On the one hand, too many advertisements give us the difficulty of choice
선택하기 어렵다-> 홀란스럽다 있겠지.
cause confusion
a great deal of confusion
add to the confusion 이렇게
아니 광고가 대체 너한테 뭘주냐고
On the one hand too many advertisements cause a great deal of confusion for people
band 7 uses less common lexical items with some style and collocation
첨삭 강의 8탄
If we have no chance to meet advertisements, then we have a few opportunity to get information about
different products. 굉장히 한국스러운 표현
가정법 과거-현재ㅏ사실의 반대
without his donations, these children would go hungry
Without advertisements, there would be no opportunity to find out information about different products.
9탄 내용파악 결론
While other people think advertising give us negative influencing to tough choice, I totally disagree that
argument, I think that advertising is necessary information these days.
그리고 totally는 좀 격식적이지않음. formal하지않다.
템플릿써라그냥.좀.
In conclusion, while some people may think that advertising has a negative influence on consumers,
I firmly believe that the positivees outweigh the negatives.
그리고 내가 주장하는거에 반대되는 의견을 낮추기위해선 may, 라던가 might 얘네 뭐그럴수도있겠는데~ 이런식으로 서술하는게 좋다
그리고 influencing이라는 문법도틀렸고. influence on이맞음.
첨삭10탄
역사에 관한 라이팅.?
Some people argue that history should form a core part of the curriculum. However, others think that subjects
such as sicence and technology are mor important
While some believe that history should form a prominent part of the curriculum, others argue that subjects
such as sicent .. 이건 그냥 단어 몇개만 교체한 수준임.
->
좋은 패러프레이징
While some believe that the humanities(인문학) such as history should be prioritized in the curriculum, others believe that STEM subjects (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) are more valuable than history
문장구조 + 어휘 추가 + '태'변경.
form a core part를 prioritised s가아니라 z가들어가야되네 황쌤도 틀렸누.. ㅠㅠ
동의어 + 어휘추가 + 동의어 사용.
others believe that STEM subject. are more important 대신에 valuable
11탄. 본론 첨삭임 빡세다.
On the one hand, history should be a prominent part of education, as it can teach students to become responsible citizens. ->
On the one hand, history has a significant meaning for students. As we know, experiences of past time do not
remain in the past but teach us the better way we should live in the present and future. In this sense, it can be argued that history helps students become citizens who obey the rules and orders of society. Recent studies have shown
that students who were taught history in their school followed the rules more than those who did not.
여기서 band 7 나올려면.
presents a clear central topic within each paragrah.
각 문다의 중심 내용의 명확성.
역사는 학생들에게 중요한 의미를 가짐, 과거의 경험은 과거에만 머무르는게 아니라 우리가 현재와 미래를 살아가는데
더좋은방법 가르쳐줌,. 역사는 학생들이 사회의 법/ 질서를 따르는 시민이 되는데 도움이됨, 최근 연구에 따르면 역사를 배운 학생들이
역사를 배우지 못한 학생들보다 규칙을 더 잘 따르는 가능성이 높음
포괄하는거. 이런것들.
On the one hand, history should be a prominent part of education, as it can teach students to become responsible citizens. 결론이없잖아 한마디로. 문장에. 사실 significant meaning보다 구체적으로 쓰라이거.
과제달성. TASK ACHIEVEMENT 마지막 12탄 본론2
On the other hand, it is arguable that science is more important than history in school. To begin with, students
have the right to have a variety of experiences in the coming times. Therefore teachers and parents
should encourage students to acquire diverse skills and knowledge. In short,
students should be given a priority such as science for these reasons stated above.
어렵네
BAND 7점 받으려면..
학교에서 과학이 역사보다 중요함,(의견) 첫째, 학생들은 미래에 다양한 경험을 가질 권리를 가지고 있다(근거)
따라서 교사와 부모는 학생들이 다양한 기술과 지식을 갖도록 장려해야함(요약) 왜? 왜 장려해야댐? WHY가 안나옴.
구체적이지가 않음.
요약하면 위에서 언급한 이유들로 과학이 우선되어야함.
presents, extends and supports main ideas.
근거 넣자와 예시. 뭘넣을까. 과학이 더 중요한이유. 우리가 당연시 여기는것들을 이런 기술이없었더라면
근거
There are many aspects of our everyday life that we take for granted, and that we would not have if not
for these subjects.
예시
For example, the technology (being used to write this essay) exists thanks to the scientists and engineers who
first invented the computer.
Computers could not have been invented without mathematical or technological knowledge.
와 시발 싼다.
먼저쓴다면
For example, technology exists thanks to the scientists and engineers who first invented the computer.
In short, the benefits of these(과학이 내가주장하고자하는바니까) subjects outweigh those of history as they help create the inventors and innovators for tomorrow.
In short, the benefits of these subjects outweigh those of history as they help to create inventors and innovators for tomorrow.
Ripples to help create네 뭐지시발. help (to) create to는 선택사항.
그냥 benefits가아니라 the benefits네
과목이 outweigh하는게아니라. 그 혜택이 outweigh하는게 맞을듯.. 아이게 뉘앙스가어렵네
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